Rich nearly pulls whilst out cycling

Long uphill stretch? Check. Gale force winds? Check. It was time to take a break. I pulled into a country lane on the right, outside of the winds wicked path. I sat down next to my bike and pulled out an overpriced Lucozade energy bar. From the corner of my right eye, I noticed a man come out of a house roughly 30 metres to my right and walk briskly towards me. When he drew to within ten feet he asked the first of many important questions.

“You’re sitting in my garden.” – I couldn’t tell if he was asking a question or making a statement. I looked around. Some distance behind me was a broken swing, close on the left by the tree were two fence panels, both lying flat on the grass. I played it safe.

“I didn’t realise”

“This is where my fence was” – I still couldn’t tell if he was annoyed about me invading his property or thrilled that finally, since moving in, someone other than the postman had discovered the near-invisible country lane and “invaded” his “privacy”.

“Have you been cycling?” The detective asked. I look at my bike, and decided against trying to explain I had actually been swimming.

“Yeah, i’m in training for a charity cycle challenge across Kenya.” I could tell instantly he was looking for a conversation, his posture changed, and seized the opportunity.

“Kenya? You’re going to burn your bollocks off.” Nice of him to express his interest in my netheregions, but before I could fake a laugh, he continued:

“Shouldn’t you be training in Tenerife, I have a holiday home there.” Was this an offer or an observation? I took a cautious approach.

“I would love to, but I work during the week.”

“you’re going to have to wrap your bollocks up well if you’re cycling across Kenya”. This was the second time he had expressed an interest in my privates, I began to get worried, I struggled to find that polite conversation-ending response.

“yeah” I prayed he would walk away, but he had found his element.

“Once they hit a burning saddle you’re going to feel it” That’s it. I wasn’t taking anymore. I needed to get out of there before he invited me into his house and demonstrated the best method of packaging one’s privates. I resorted to a classic, hoping he hadn’t experienced society in the past fifty years.

“Do you have the time?”

“one second” twenty seconds later “it’s half past ten”

“oh, i’m meant to be meeting my girlfriend in 30 minutes” It felt important for him to know I was straight. A flicker of anguish crossed his face.

“Be off then. Do you cycling past my house this way every Sunday morning?” I had already scooting my bike away.

“No, I went the wrong way this week.”

Celebrate good times

Not that anyone cares, but Gloucestershire University has a new vice chancellor. Yes, exactly, hurrah! Team189 will be out celebrating at some point over the next week I expect. However, i’m slightly concerned after reading the press release. Especially this quote:

I am determined that the University of Gloucestershire will continue to develop as a very special kind of University“

Now is it me, or does that make us sound like a university for the mentally challenged?